the illusion of coincidence

08 December 2005

it goes to someone special.

i've so much to tell you i can't decide where to start at. i tried calling you, but you denied it all. i just wanted you to listen to how i felt at that time and allow you to decide what to do since you really think that it's meaningless. well, i was really shocked at your YA. mm hm.. and i surprisingly held back my tears. because i knew i was joking. trying to act like i was in a fit of anger so you would pacify me? but failed and ended things on a death note. i really felt lost then when i told you, i really did. i meant every single sorries i said from past to present. but at that time, i really need someone to talk to but you just gotta work. i called vera and we talked and talked for like a really long time until now, for so long. and i realise how things happen. i realise that i'm really wrong this time round. i should not have done that. mm hm.. and she thinks you are hurt because i keep abusing the usage of that. and i thought maybe you were hurt and angry. i'm so sorry. like i have already said, i have given you many chances before and i wish you will give me too? because i think it is so trivial. and i don't wish for you to bring up whatever that has happened. because this time round i don't need you to try. i just want you to judge. i want you to learn what is it about you that makes me think you are so important. remember then i asked you why do you love me? and you shot me the same question? i told you that i am happy when you around? this is exactly it. even though when there are times we became so frustrated with each other, i still like you around. i think it's silly but i really really do enjoy pacifying you even when i complain. i treat you more like a boyfriend. i treat you like a really nice pal. i share everything i have with you and when things happen i just look for you first because it's just so so comfortable speaking to you. while i love you like a boyfriend, i love you like a friend too. i don't know how much of these really apply to you. but i really appreciate having you although i don't show. and that's because i don't know how. everytime i wanna speak to you about something, i end up screwing it up so i guess i would have to blame it my language. but ya you know, i'm still pretty much in a state of shock. i WANT you to read this, i really do. i think you really hate me very much for abusing the words. and i realised now how much you mean it. we were happy, merry making just before that right? i hope you just did that in a fit of anger too. because now i realise how much you really hate it, i promise to abstain from it. and because i think you really don't wanna make me angry and upset at times you chose to hide things away. and i have straighten everything out. i trust you now, not like everything can change. but i just want you to know it's really not that i don't trust you. but i'm really just another ordinary girl waiting for you to pacify and sweet talk to.. i really think it's corny to ask you that which sparked off this but ya.. it sort of acts as a confirmation thingy. but never mind. from previously to now, i feel less loved but it doesn't matter anymore. because i think you will tell me what's before, time will let you get over it all. but we won't be goodie good friends anymore. ya! what's us really means a lot to me and there is so much i can't say here. i just wish you will reconsider. because you told me at the hospital that i need not worry cos you will still be mine after one month until the day i don't want you? and i really do not want to don't want you. i mean it,i do. so i really wish you will take it back. will you?

7:29 PM